I learned how to live from the neck up

For those who already woke up – and don’t know what comes next

For most of my life, I was the easy kid.

When I was 13, I used to cycle across town to hang out with my friends. I had a strict 9pm curfew. I was never late. Not once. I always made it home on time. I didn’t want anyone to worry.

What I didn’t know then was that I was already learning how to stay safe – by not shutting down, not snapping, not needing too much. By holding myself together in moments of weakness instead of letting anything spill.

I learned how to manage myself early. I thought that was just who I was. It wasn’t. It was survival.

I could talk about what happened to me. About my brother abusing me. I could explain it clearly, intelligently – from a distance.

Understanding helped. It gave me language. But my body was still holding everything.

I didn’t even realize it was holding it, because I’d learned how to live from the neck up.

When my mum died, the pain was too much. I numbed out with alcohol. I was carrying a quiet belief that somehow it was my fault, and I didn’t know how to stay with that kind of grief without breaking.

So I didn’t stay.

I functioned. I coped. I kept going. But inside, I was numb.

Still saying “I’m fine.” Still listening outward instead of inward. Still missing the signals — the flares, the triggers, the quiet moments where my body was asking for attention.

Understanding alone didn’t unlock what I was still carrying…

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